The Defining Decade

The Defining Decade, by Meg Jay, is a self-help book written for people just entering their 20s in the hopes that they can better plan how to navigate the rest of the decade - and by extension, build a solid foundation for the rest of their lives. Unlike a lot of other self-help books (ahem, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***), this book isn’t full of fluff - it’s substantial and actually gives pointed advice. 

The Defining Decade is separated into three sections: work, love, and brain and body. Each section contains anecdotes from Jay’s interactions with her clients, and they’re all gut-wrenchingly relatable. 

Here are my main takeaways from each of the sections: 

Work

  • Take jobs that give you as much identity capital as possible. She defines identity capital as an investment in yourself, such as expanding your network or getting your foot into an industry you’re interested in, even if that means taking a less-than-ideal job there. One good piece of identity capital is enough to get you closer to your dream job. 

  • Take advantage of your weak ties, because most people love to help others out. Don’t get used to the comfort of being surrounded by only your inner circle. 

  • You have to make a choice in order to know whether or not you’ve made the right choice. Not making a choice is the most dangerous choice of all, because there’s no potential for reward. Try out a job you think you might not be interested in - the worst thing that can happen is that you gain insight and experience. Don’t be afraid of being tied down to the job; there’s no such thing. 

  • Comparison is the thief of joy. There’s no need to compare your career to those of your peers. Know your strengths and build a career around that. 

  • Conformation isn’t the worst thing in the world. There’s a reason why people lead these seemingly boring lives, and it’s because it brings fulfillment. Take actions that make sense and bring you closer to your goals.

Love

  • Be intentional about the people you date in your 20s. Don’t settle for low-criteria relationships just because they’re available. 

  • Choosing a partner means getting a chance to choose your family and the people who will be in your life for decades to come.

  • Cohabitation before clear and mutual commitment lead to less successful relationships. It’s harder to leave a failing relationship because of the inconvenience and costliness of moving out. Don’t get married out of convenience.

  • Take charge of your love life by refusing to date down. Think about the values that are important to you and what exactly you want out of a partner and be thoughtful about the partners you choose. 

  • Liking your partner is just as important as loving your partner. Check for compatibility - are there non-negotiable dealbreakers? Just as importantly, how similar are your ways of living? An easy way to check is with the Big Five (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) - are they mostly in alignment? We tend to like people who interact with the world in ways that are similar to ours. 

  • Be picky about things that will matter in 20 years, like goals or personality. There’s always going to be differences and difficulties because nobody’s perfect and life’s always going to present its challenges, but choosing a partner you’re compatible with should lighten up the load. 

The Brain and the Body

  • In our 20s, our brains are primed to learn the language of adulthood - engaging in good jobs and meaningful relationships. Use it by making the most of this time and doing some forward thinking and planning thoughtfully. The brain will not just mature on its own. 

  • When things get tough at work, it may cause anxiety and a feeling of incompetence. You’re going to make mistakes, and it’s going to hurt, but this is when confidence is built. Reappraise the situation and realize that the world’s not going to end, even when you feel like it might. 

  • Confidence comes from the outside in. You’re probably not going to feel completely confident at doing something until you’re 10,000 hours in - keep pushing. 

  • Investing in adulthood (getting your own place, getting into a stable relationship) shifts how we interact with the world. We become more emotionally stable, happier, and confident as we make our way through our 20s. 

  • Fertility peaks in our late 20s. If you’re planning on having children, plan your career and relationship accordingly. 

Overall, this was an instructive and entertaining read. At times, it was a bit dogmatic, but that’s the price one has to pay for reading a self-help book. Jay also appears to be quite judgmental towards her clients; she is often exasperated at her clients’ behaviors, and she isn’t afraid to let the audience know about her feelings. To me, this feels like a distinct lack of compassion, and I’m not sure I’d want her to be my therapist. In fact, throughout the book, I repeatedly thought to myself, “Wow, I’m sure glad she isn’t my therapist!” 

However, there is quite a bit of wisdom I took away from her book, and with these types of books, I always like to take what resonates and leave the rest behind. I like the sense of structure the book has created, and it’s definitely lit a fire under my ass, but at the same time, life doesn’t need to be so rigid, and especially now, when we’re in a pandemic, things aren’t as in our control as when Jay had published this book. Regardless, her message remains cogent. While I agree with Jay that it’s important to plan your 20s intentionally, I also believe that there’s certainly a little room for whimsy. After all, what’s a circus without a couple of sideshows? We’re just a walking collection of stories, and sometimes our distractions make for the most vibrant and thrilling ones. 

Rating: 9/10

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